the pregnancy test

This is a story of a young woman in her twenties. She's a closed friend of mine, so her name will be classified. From now on lets call her Ellen.

Ellen is a typical case of a young Asian woman, who strictly feels trapped in her family old rules and traditions. It is not that she hates them, or loves them less. She just finds it difficult to live with those rules. So most of the time she would have the courage to speak it out up to the length of a big argument. But lately she decides to keep it low. As she feels utterly tired to speak it out and knowing at the end that they find it hard to accept her views.

You can say Ellen is talented. Or smart maybe. She has the kind of brain that would stick to your face and say fuck when it needs to. She has the curiosity that can kill you. Because of the enormous questions she would ask you. She can slap you, hate you, and leave you in the dirt in a matter of five seconds when she feels threaten. But most of the time, she hides her pain from all, and reveals to the ones that care. Even if revealing it can means torture to the ones who care for her. Because of her passionate ways of looking to her own world. The closest you get to her, the more you can see holes and limitless questions. The closest you be with her, the more you can see the hopeless foolish lover who wants to love and be loved. The closest you hold her, the more you can feel that all she ever wants is to raise a family of her own. Or in what she could have said "to make a story of my own."

Ellen is in love. Or she loves. She is loving someone right at this minute. She continues to give it all to this one particular person. And I doubt that she would give up. I am sure she will always give it all. It is in her nature. Up to the point that some of her friends would tell her that she's stupid or cares less with her self. I am not sure if she's stupid or cares less. She's just like that.
Yesterday she went to see "Juno" from her boyfriend's DVD player. He was out for work; she was there because of her period that killed her. It reminded her of two weeks ago when she took herself the pregnancy test.

Yes it was a moment that she would not forget. The way her hands trembled, her heart felt like want to explode. And how burn her pee felt. She could not ever forget that. She was hoping for a plus sign. She was hoping for a double red cross on that stick. But no. Negative. It was zero. No pregnancy. No baby. She was hoping for a plus sign because of how actually really she wanted the baby.

Although it might be strange to everyone, but her boyfriend was exhilarated to know that she was late for almost over a week. Because one time she lied to him telling him that she already took the test and it was positive. He was laughing out loud over the phone when she called. I am not sure why she lied in the first place. I am guessing she doesn’t want him to feel that he is stuck by her. She wants him to pick her, to choose to be with her because of her. Not because of her carrying his baby. She doesn’t want to feel that she was a second to someone else. She needs not to be a rebound to get over someone. She wants to be the only one. It hurts her like hell if he were to be with her just because of the condition. It hurts me like hell seeing her like that.

So now she sits there on her desk, with a coffee cup boiling up that the smell of it fumes up her room. She does that gazing up to the file of papers beside her. She craves for love. Ah I don’t know. All I know it feels different with her after the pregnancy test. All I can feel there is a sense of loneliness inside of her.

Or maybe this is just my imagination? Or maybe I could be wrong? I don’t know. I just want her to feel safe and in comfort. Like she deserves to be.

© frettyaulia, 01.04.2008