bumil vinny

Bila mengingat salah satu teman saya di kantor, ibu Vinny, saya rasanya tidak bisa berhenti tersenyum. Ibu muda yang satu ini, yang menurut pacar saya cantik, semenjak hamil mempunyai kebiasaan baru. Saya dan dia merupakan anggota baru di kantor. Kita hanya berbeda beberapa bulan saja. April 2007, saya resmi jadi anggota di kantor saya. Kemudian Juni 2007, ibu Vinny masuk dalam ruang lingkup Plaza Lippo Lt 3. Kalau bicara soal umur, dia dan saya tidak berbeda jauh. Hanya beda beberapa bulan. Saya Capricorn sejati dan beliau Libra mentok. Kadang kalau mengingat suami beliau yang notabene Carpicorn sejati, saya jadi ingin tertawa. Karena ada beberapa sifat suaminya yang sifat saya banget. Entah yang kakunya, atau yang pendiamnya, atau yang susah dekat dengan orang lain atau yang lainnya. Mereka menikah September 2007. Dan ibu Vinny sudah hamil selama kurang lebih 5 bulan ini. Sang ibu, semasa belum hamil, selalu terlihat cool. Yah dibanding saya dan satu teman kantor saya, ibu Vinny jauh lebih cool. Dan jauh lebih "dagelan". Itu menurut saya dan Febie, teman kantor saya yang satu lagi. Semenjak hamil, beliau suka sekali bertanya. SUKA SEKALI BERTANYA! Saya dan Febie sampai capek dibuatnya. Dan bila ada gosip yang sedang hangat, ibu Vinny pasti selalu ikut serta dan tiada henti bertanya. Contohnya ketika saya sedang pusing dengan masalah design rumah sepupu saya. Dia tiada henti bertanya ini-itu. Mungkin menyenangkan bila tidak setiap saat. Tetapi rasanya, anak yang ia kandung, benar-benar punya tingkat couriusity yang besar sekali. - Kenapa begitu Fret? Kenapa begini Fret? Kok gitu sih? Ih gak pengertian banget sih! Trus gimana dong? Trus? Trus? - seperti itulah kiranya ibu hamil - bumil Vinny dalam kesehariannya selama 5 bulan ini.

Dan ibu Vinny selama hamil ini telah menjelma menjadi wanita yang sangat bingung. Bila dia terjebak dalam 2 kondisi berbeda, dia akan selalu menanyakan pendapat kami berdua terlebih dahulu walaupun sebenarnya dia sudah selalu mempunyai jawaban yang pasti. She needs an affirmation. Butuh opini kedua yang juga setuju dengan pilihannya. Afirmasi untuk ibu Vinny itu sangat penting nilainya. Walau dalam penyampaiannya, dia bisa sangat menyebalkan dan membingungkan bagi saya dan Febie.

Keseharian bersama ibu Vinny selama beliau hamil ini telah menjadi kesenangan tertentu bagi saya di kantor. Saya selalu menganggap apapun opini ibu Vinny, dan bagaimanapun cara penyampaiannya adalah sebagai sesuatu yang menyegarkan hati. Karena dibalik sifat anaknya yang dia kandung, masih terdapat sifat "kenakalan" ibu Vinny yang membuat saya dan Febie tidak bisa berhenti tertawa. Oh well...hari ini saya lewati tanpa beliau dan Febie, membuat saya semakin merasa sepi di kantor.

Cepat datang kembali bumil! Ada gosip penting soal Pak bos nih!
hihihihi...


© frettyaulia, 25.02.2008

the unknown zone

You've got to bumble forward into the unknown.

A great architect said that. One that always and will take my breath away. Yes maybe he owns a definite style that at some point bores you, but there's something "fishy" and "unadjustable" of the way I admire him.

In this blog entry, I have no wish on talking architecture per se. Architecture is something that you experience more rather than write or talk. One can not describe the feelings of being in architecture because it is not just a photographic memory. There is something very absolute that speaks a volume of unabsolutism.

Like the way life treats you.

I am the kind of person who hates surprises. Because of the negative tendency I get whenever I hear that word. But at the same time, I appreciate throwing surprises to everyone I know. I love to surprise people. Back in the days where I was too naïve, I would give little things that some might think a little too much. Or like one of high school friends might say about me – “she loves to give compliments way too much to the ones she admires and looks up to”. But as I am getting older, it has worn off from my skin to throw surprises. The desire is there but the “doing” is not. Therefore, at some point, I have become the standard monster I have morbid to become. The monster that hates surprises and procrastinates.

And into the unknown, is like having surprises. The way I perceive the unknown is like the opening of “Twilight Zone” TV show. Like seeing a piece of Surrealism. Or reading some crap Freud wrote. I have had my share of being really enjoying inside the unknown. The joyful moment of being “I don’t know” has gone. Or maybe it is there but I feel I am too old to feel “I don’t know”.

Yes you can say this is so classic. Because it is. I don’t feel young. I feel so old. I have deadlines to face. I have works to do. I have list to cross. I have rules to obey. I have blah blah blah. FUCK! I feel old. And the unknown doesn’t suit with old. Surprises and surrealisms fit youngster the best. But the one who said “You’ve got to bumble forward into the unknown” is a 80ish year old man. A very old man. Why can not I be him? WHY?

Sigh..I don’t have any answers. I absolutely feel unabsolute. Abstract. I have got to bumble forward into the unknown. And I am bumbling forward into the unknown.

© frettyaulia, 25.02.2008

sebait saya yang dulu..

Senin pagi hari ini, dibawah selimut yang hangat, dan udara mendung, saya mendapati diri saya malas. Rasanya seperti tidak punya hasrat untuk bangun dan melaksanakan segala macam printilan yang terasa tidak penting. Mungkin ini lebih baik daripada bangun pagi dan menelanjangi diri dibawah shower hanya untuk menangis untuk segala hal-hal yang menyakiti hati. Yah itu mungkin lebih baik, karena saya tidak merasa sedih atau mempunyai keperluan untuk menangis.

"Lima menit lagi deh...lima menit lagi..." Itu yang ada di kepala saya. Berulang-ulang saya lakukan, sehingga dari yang tadinya saya bangun pukul 6.38 menjadi resmi bangun pukul 7.45. Sudah sangat terlambat, dan saya tidak bisa jujur kepada HRD dan atasan saya. Sehingga sebuah smspun saya kirimkan. "Pak-Mbak, maaf hari ini telat lagi. Banjir.." Jahat memang, menjustifikasi keadaan saya dengan banjir yang notabene bukanlah bahan yang bisa dijadikan alasan. Tapi, oh well, I don't care.

Ketika akhirnya saya menyadari bahwa ada salah satu pekerja di kantor saya yang juga tinggal di area yang sama dengan saya, saya pun memutuskan untuk mandi. Sedikit panik karena takut kebohongan kecil saya itu ke-blow up. Jadinya upacara tiap pagi dengan pemilihan bajupun terasa singkat. Biasanya dibutuhkan sekitar beberapa lemparan baju untuk saya yakin apa yang saya mau pakai. Mba Kokom-pembantu ibu saya di rumah, sudah cukup tahu dengan kebiasaan saya itu. Karena tiap pagi, saya selalu lari bertanya padanya apakah cara saya berpakaian berlebihan atau tidak (Lucu, ini membuat saya tersenyum).

Ditengah-tengah hiruk pikuk memakai body-lotion, deodoran, bedak, dan parfum, saya membuka laci meja kecil disamping tempat tidur. Saya baru ingat bahwa kondisi isi dompet saya sudah menipis, dan didalam laci itu ada beberapa lembaran 50 ribuan. Ketika saya ingin mengambil lembaran-lembaran itu, saya terkesiap menemukan jurnal saya yang lama. Bukan jurnal "jurnal" yang biasa ada di permulaan kisah-kisah penting. Atau jurnal "jurnal" yang bisa dibeli di toko buku - toko buku terdekat. Jurnal ini lebih kepada buku kecil yang rapuh. Kertasnya terbuat dari kertas recycle, dan ukurannya yang cukup kecil untuk ukuran jurnal.

Saya adalah orang yang bisa sangat rajin untuk melakukan sesuatu, dan bisa sangat malas. Dan dalam menulis jurnal, ada fase on-off yang saya lalui. Untuk jurnal yang ada di laci saya itu, adalah jurnal yang sangat saya simpan. Karena kala menulis jurnal itu, adalah waktu dimana saya pertama kali benar-benar belajar soal cinta.

Membaca jurnal ini dalam perjalanan saya ke kantor, membuat saya mengingat kembali diri saya yang dulu. Dan mau tak mau. membuat saya membandingkan saya yang sekarang dengan yang dulu. Dalam tiap tulisan yang saya baca, masih ada segelintir bait yang menyerupai karakter dan keadaan saya yang sekarang. Bahkan bila sudah bertahun-tahun saya ber"evolusi". Inilah segelintir itu.

Saya akhir-akhir ini mengalami gejolak emosi yang luar biasa kalutnya. Ingin rasanya dipeluk dan di"aman"kan, bahkan hanya untuk 5 menit saja. Namun rasanya itupun terasa mustahil. Hanya segelintiran tulisan inilah yang memeluk saya dengan caranya yang aneh. Mungkin inilah perlunya jurnal itu. Sehingga ketika kita jatuh di kondisi yang sama, kita bisa mengingat kalau kita pernah mengalaminya dan pernah berhasil melewatinya.

© frettyaulia, 25.02.2008

it is inevitable, unavoidable

crying by kikafredericka

http://kikafredericka.deviantart.com/art/Crying-47073098

Love. It really hurts.

A friend used to said that I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I fall for someone I fall so hard.

There was one night, where the walls were cracking up and I couldn't stand being so tough and patient anymore. It was quite late for a simple shower, but I went to the bathroom and lit my brother's ciggy. I turned the walkman on my cell, and listened to a song that lately has been singing a nicely shade on my being; If You Want Me by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymoreWhen I get really lonely and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me. I really try to be a better one to satisfy you for your everything to me and I’ll do what you ask me

As it was a cliché moment that you might think it would, I broke down and cried for some time. I saw my tears’ coming down through my cheeks was an experience I had seen before. There's a more sadness feeling to see yourself crying. It felt like the inner me was asking “am I easy to ignore?” to myself. I don’t know how exactly and why, but deep down inside I am guessing that the inner me was disappointed with myself. In some angles, the inner me questions reasons of why I was hurting myself so. Love is really selfless, and in some point I might have destroyed something inside. And the ego raised and screamed of the whys I could be so dependant to someone else.

Love is to understand, with knowing that there are no definite answers for any questions. And that capability of understanding may have hurt myself. It is inevitable I guess. When you love someone, you are cutting yourself down. And it hurts. No matter how positive you try to look at it. It really hurts.

© frettyaulia, 22.02.2008

the girl with the broken smile

I remember a song from John Mayer, about how life is depicted as a moving train, and John is the passenger who just simply over-whelmed with the thrill. That at some point he wants to just jump and stay for a while. I started to feel that I am John Mayer. That life is moving too fast, too chaotic, too complex for me to handle right now. I wanna hide but for what? Such a waste and such a lost for me if I hide. I wanna run, but to where? I know where I want to run but it feels like a long way to go from here. I wanna fall, but I already am falling. I know that I am very blessed with all the things that I have, in my hands. But I feel like there is a room in me that used to be so filled with everything, suddenly something is missing. Something important. It feels like someone is cutting my throat and therefore I don't have the capability to scream. Scream just for the sake to let go all of these hidden burdens. I want someone to hug me and give me a guarantee. That tomorrow I will be loved.

© frettyaulia, 20.02.08

running away through my earphones

music man by bassqee

[ http://bassqee.deviantart.com/art/Music-Man-75938809 ]

I like to listen to the music out loud from earphones. Or headphones. I just like to do that. And even more I like to do that when I am on the way to go someplace. When I walk to that place, or in a moving car. It feels like I am in a movie and I am the leading actress. Oh call me crazy, but it is so fun to be in lost within the music, seeing people go by, cars passing by, the wind touching my face, and the unstoppable thoughts that running through my head. I really enjoy that a little too much. My mom once said that she doesn't want any of her children to be like one of "those young people", who wear headphones/earphones on their ears; she said that it is like being ignorant with the rest of the world. She had a point there though, yet I keep still doing that. There is a sense of being alone and enjoying the loneliness when I am lost within the music coming from my earphones. Maybe at some point it is like a need for me, because maybe I don’t find any solitude. With a little tight schedule with work, family, friends, boyfriend, having something to enjoy in between which don’t require my brain to think a lot, is really a quite solitude. Yeah maybe my mind will travel, the lyrics from the music usually will find their way to suck into my brain… but it is really a nice moment to enjoy with.

© frettyaulia, 14.02.08

merasa bodoh

Sigh... memang beberapa orang terlahir untuk menjadi tolol, atau menyusahkan orang lain, atau menginjak-injak hak orang lain, atau mendiskriminasi orang lain, atau membuat orang lain ikut-ikutan menjadi bodoh. Mungkin sudah menjadi sifat genetis mereka untuk menjadi bodoh dan "mengajak" seluruh manusia menjadi bodoh.

Seperti seseorang yang bernama Niken. Yang saya predikisikan seusia saya. Sama-sama wanita diumur 20-an. Mungkin diakhir umur 20-an. Yang pasti, tebakan saya, dia tak jauh berbeda umurnya dengan saya. Tapi yang pasti, dia JAUH tidak punya aturan dan tata krama dibanding saya. Yang dengan seenaknya saja menjatuhkan martabat profesional saya.

Jadi, Mba Niken ini adalah seorang klien dari perusahaan tempat saya bekerja. Dia adalah sekretaris pribadi atau mungkin juga bisa disebut sebagai asisten pribadi dari sebuah direktur perusahaan hardware. Perusahaan hardware ini telah sekian lama menyewa tempat dari perusahaan saya. Singkat kata, perusahaan saya adalah perusahaan jasa - yang menyewakan area kerja bagi para perusahaan, yang rata-rata adalah perusahaan baru, perusahaan representatif, dan LSM.

Pada bulan ini, perusahaan Mba Niken akan pindah ke area yang lebih besar. Dan jauh hari mereka telah memberikan konfirmasi kepada saya bahwa mereka segera pindah.

Sebagai seorang pekerja, saya melihat kesempatan untuk menawarkan area itu ke perusahaan lain yang berminat. Dan kebetulan memang ada. Maka kemudian saya memberanikan diri menawarkan kepada pihak lain. Karena mengetahui perusahaan Mba Niken ini akan segera pindah.

Tiba-tiba, saya mempunyai ide untuk mengkonfirmasi kembali. Walau saya tahu, konfirmasi terakhir yang saya terima itu sangat valid, tertulis dan ditanda-tangani langsung oleh atasan Mba Niken. Mungkin Tuhan memang meminta inisiatif saya saat itu dengan maksud, karena ternyata perusahaan Mba Niken membatalkan kepindahan yang dijadwalkan keesokan hari itu.

Karena terjepit dengan inisiatif saya, saya pun bertanya kepada Mba Niken kapan waktu yang pasti mereka akan pindah. Lalu dengan mudahnya Mba Niken menjawab bahwa semua serba belum pasti. Dan kepindahan itu masih tentatif. Menurut info yang dia terima dari atasannya, mereka akan pindah suatu waktu di minggu depan. Bila tidak, berarti minggu depannya. Bila juga tidak, minggu sesudahnya. Terus terang, ini bukan jawaban yang aman untuk perusahaan saya. Sehingga saya, sekali lagi, berinisiatif untuk menghubungi atasan Mba Niken untuk mengetahui waktu yang jelas. Beberapa menit setelah saya mengetahui jawaban dari atasan Mba Niken, saya menerima makian dan teriakan tiada terkira dari Mba Niken.

"Pokoknya kalau urusan kantor, jangan hubungi Pak Santoso. Semua berita harus diforward ke saya. Pak Santoso itu sibuk, dan dia sudah menugasi saya untuk segala perintilan ini-itu. Saya kan sudah bilang ke resepsionis, kalau ada apa-apa, saya yang bertanggung jawab."

Saya terus terang kaget, marah dan kecewa. Atasan Mba Niken, selama berbicara kepada saya, tidak pernah mengucapkan bahwa Mba Niken yang seharusnya saya tuju. Tidak pernah mengucapkan tidak perlu menghubungi beliau langsung. Dan dengan suara tinggi, Mba Niken telah dengan mudah dan indahnya menjatuhkan martabat saya. Yang saya sesalkan bukanlah isi dari apapun yang dia katakan, tetapi lebih kepada CARA dia mengatakan. Bagi saya, dalam dunia kerja, ada yang namanya tata krama berbicara. Yang hakikinya mungkin lebih kaku daripada tata krama berbicara dengan teman kita atau keluarga. Menurut saya pribadi, bilapun Mba Niken tidak menyukai inisiatif saya untuk menghubungi atasannya, adalah lebih sehat akalnya kalau cara dia mengungkapkan ketidak-sukaanya itu dengan cara yang bermartabat. Dan berpendidikan. Berbicara dengan suara tinggi melengking di telepon adalah bukan tindakan yang bermartabat, berpendidikan. Dan saya pun bukannya semakin segan tetapi semakin tidak menghormati dia. Argh!

Semua teman-teman saya mengatakan bahwa Mba Niken hanya mencari kambing hitam, karena mungkin Pak Santoso sendiri telah menghubungi dia dan menerima kritikan soal kinerja kerja dia. Yang membuat saya kecewa bukanlah karena makian Mba Niken seluruhnya. Tetapi karena saya sama sekali tidak membalas makian itu, dan tidak membuat keadaan lebih keruh lagi antara saya dan Mba Niken. Saya merasa saya tidak membela saya sendiri didepan Mba Niken. Saya merasa bodoh. Bodoh karena dengan kaget, marah dan kecewanya, saya hanya menjawab oke kepada Mba Niken. Dimana letak otak saya? Apakah saya bodoh karenanya?

What the fuck was I thinking?

Rasanya saya mau menampar pipi Mba Niken waktu itu, menjambak rambutnya, merobek rok hitamnya, dan meludahi dirinya didepan semua orang. Tidak bisa dipungkiri, saya pun mencari simpati disana sini dengan menceritakan kemarahan saya ke semua teman-teman kantor. Status di YM pun berganti menjadi "fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk". Ada api dihati, dan terpikir untuk segera menelpon Pak Santoso untuk mengadu semua keluhan saya. Namun buat apa? Untuk cari muka? Buat siapa? Buat saya? Toh harganya tidak seberapa dengan emosi yang ada dihati.

Jadi disinilah saya, menumpahkan segala kekesalan secara tertulis setelah panjang lebar saya ceritakan berapi-api ke semua teman-teman. Buat apa?

Agar saya puas.. (tapi kok rasanya masih belum puas... bodoh)

© frettyaulia, 13.02.08

I miss

Yesterday, as I was doing my homework for my Italian class, a friend of mine linked me of a blog she used to share with his then boyfriend. There was one entry that in particular, resembles how I feel these couple of weeks. It is written there;

I want that feeling again...
Hugging you again after some weeks that felt like months...
I want that feeling again.
Touching your body, kissing your lips, shoving my hands under your shirt, a bit shy at first, then excited, more passionate...
I want that feeling again.
Sleeping in your bed for the first time, hearing you whisper the magic words "I love you".
I want that feeling again...
Looking out from your balcony, standing in the hot sun, feeling in peace, as if I just woke up from a bad dream.
I want that feeling again...
Sitting next to you, holding your hand, kissing you from time to time.
I want that feeling again...

When I read this I felt like I was not feeling a little well. Maybe the weather, maybe the mood, maybe the feelings that have been building up inside. I have been trying to ease all of them down, and I succeeded on some of them, yet there are some things that still hanging inside my head. I know, it could have been just my mind. Everyone knows just how crazy I could be, torturing myself with silly thoughts and out-of-the-universe questions. But lately I feel so alone. Up since my birthday and until now. I just feel like I am not wanted the way I want. Or needed the way I need. It is not about my self-confidence issue. I just feel a little outcast and not desire as much as I need to be desired. I am not suggesting that I am questioning him and his everything to me, I could feel there is a distance. Maybe because of he's being busy, or stressed out, or me being too sensitive, I really don't know. I just know that I feel this. Like sitting in unknown party where I don't know anyone in the room. This could have been just my imagination, but I just need to let these emotions out, Even if it is just in writing. And even if no one’s reading. Ah, romance, I need them. And passion, where did it hide?

I miss him, and the way he would whisper those three little words into my ears. I miss the way he would ease me in one single moment. I miss the way he would tease me and make me laugh over nothing. I miss the way he would hold me so tight. I miss the way he would gaze to my little fingers and touch them gently. I miss the way he would go to work in such a spirit that it would make me feel so inspired. I miss the way we would stay in silence in the coffee shop. I miss the way he would take just by an inch and kiss me. I miss them.

© frettyaulia, 13.02.08

Is that called compromise or just being grown-up about it?

One great early Saturday morning, I found myself watching again a "female-combusted" film; "The Devil Wears Prada". I remember the old feeling the first time I saw that. A typical female problem in the urban cyber era. Where fashion is now acknowledged as a statement. Maybe it has been like that for over centuries, but never in centuries have people had the need to explain why we read "In Style" or how they make "Vogue". It is maybe for some philosophers or scholars is like snoozing your phlegm. But it is actually more than that. Because the first thing the world sees in us is how the way we present ourselves. Because first impression is made by the clothes-the shoes-the whole itsy bitsy fashion we wear. Don’t be a hypocrite, because we give impression firstly by the things we see.

And so, while watching that film, I suddenly had a little thought of presenting myself in an off way to my boyfriend that afternoon. It was a normal black mini skirt, with white tee and grey vest. The accent was the stripes leg warmers that my sister has for quite some time. There is nothing that I thought would draw people’s attention except the leg warmers. And I knew by heart that I would wear it with a comfortable sense of being. I have my deepest attraction toward fashion since I was a kid. Ask my mom and she would likely to tell you how I loved to be dressed up, and how I would be stay still and not moving around much for the sake of the dress and shoes I wore. And paid too much even more when I was in college. It has been known to all of my college friends that I have numbers of different shoes or sandals that I would wear to college. And it has been a standard shotgun rule that everyone in my house always need my opinion about the way they dress up. And so it was not me being brag about it, but everyone knows that I do have my own taste about the way I dress. And they really do like my taste.

All of them but my boyfriend. Because that night he had a problem with my leg warmers. And with the black mini skirt.

This is brand new information for me. Not to mention, that my boyfriend HAS a taste on fashion. No kidding, he has. The typical artsy people. I know that, and I have been living, and working with that kind of people ever since I was 18. Not that all of them have the same taste, but you can sniff that artsy people highly appreciate fashion like they appreciate art. Yet then again, fashion is art.

I am not saying that he doesn’t like the way I dress all the time. He said and I quoted; “Sometimes I don’t like the way you dress.”

When he told me, I was already guessing that. But to actually hearing that was different than to guessing. At first my heart stumped. I was actually, deep down, mad in some level. But hey who am I kidding? Why do I have to be mad at the honesty that has been given to me? It took guts to say something that might hurt others. And it took a big heart for me to let go my anger and listen on his opinions. How could my boyfriend said that? And how could I accept that? Although I did say at the end that I will not always listen to his advices about the way I dress. And I appreciated of the fact that he gave a highlight on his speech that he doesn’t want to change me into someone that I am not. And so we ended the night nicely with a kiss and a smile.

Monday morning, I chatted with a close friend of mine. She told me about what had happened to her on the weekend. And I told her what happened with mine. She had the same respond my ego had. Which is “whoa, you are great Fretty. If I were you I would say; “then what, you are suggesting that I should change for you? Never!”. In my own humble opinion, I believe that my boyfriend doesn’t have any intentions to change the way I am. I believe he needed to say something out of his chest. This was going to hurt me in some level. And it was.

And so my best friend’s reply got me into thinking; am I stupid to be such a big hearted? Should I defense myself and explain who I am and why I dress the way I dress to my boyfriend right after he told me his confession? Is that called compromise or just being grown-up about it?

You know, I had my share with being a total drama-queen when facing problems with the opposite sex. I am not saying that I am not a drama-queen anymore, that character will always be there. Just that the amount has been reduced over time. If someone were to say the things that my boyfriend had said that night to me-long ago, I would reply in a very defensive way. Causing awkward moments, and little wounds in my heart. But somehow the me now have a more developing way of facing problems. Or critics. I learn to compromise. And I learn that patience is one of the greatest weapons of all. Up until the point that I may look being used at. It is a known fact that when you are compromising, you are letting go your ego. And when you are known to others as a compromised person, some might use you for their own benefit. Sometimes I find myself asking what if others have had used me, because of my ability to compromise. But most times I find myself wondering that maybe I am not compromising, but I am becoming a mature-me. I am growing up.

Yet the question is not answered clearly. I just came across with a book that I hope might blown my mind. It is written there;

“It is difficult to show your feelings and just be yourself because for thousands of years you have been told to repress your feelings. It has become part of your collective unconsciousness. For thousands of years you have been told not to be yourself. Be somebody else.”

This part of the book got me to think whether I have been fooling myself and have been someone else that is not me or not. And it also stressed up the previous question. Is the way I react to my boyfriend’s statement called compromise or just being mature about it? And if I am being mature about it, does it mean I am becoming someone else that is not me? And is there anything wrong with being compromise? Is it wrong to be mature? Should we always release our freedom like child-like in every cases? Of course not. If that so, we are feeding our ego too much of a pleasure. And not acknowledging of the fact that we are social being. We need others like others need us. I need my boyfriend’s everything like he needs mine. No man is an island. And if that a man is an island, how could that island survive? An island surely needs the rain to feed its soil. And the air to breeze. So bottom line, all of us need others. And to live together with others, we all need to understand that we are not the same. And learn to cope with it. Maybe compromise is not the right word, because at the sound of it, that word seems to lock ourselves to be the way we are. Maybe letting go some of our egos is actually helping us to be our true self. And being mature about the things that happen to us is not becoming someone else that is not us. It is still us. But with a more develop sense. It is true perhaps, that the older you get, the more time you have passed, the more observe and wiser you become. Being wiser and mature doesn’t mean that we lock our freedom of speech and act. We just have a sense of self-awareness to it. And is it not a freedom to have that sense? A freedom to aware of ourselves. And a freedom to not let go all of our ego.

Am I making any sense?

© frettyaulia, 11.02.08