it is inevitable, unavoidable

crying by kikafredericka

http://kikafredericka.deviantart.com/art/Crying-47073098

Love. It really hurts.

A friend used to said that I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I fall for someone I fall so hard.

There was one night, where the walls were cracking up and I couldn't stand being so tough and patient anymore. It was quite late for a simple shower, but I went to the bathroom and lit my brother's ciggy. I turned the walkman on my cell, and listened to a song that lately has been singing a nicely shade on my being; If You Want Me by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymoreWhen I get really lonely and the distance causes our silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me. I really try to be a better one to satisfy you for your everything to me and I’ll do what you ask me

As it was a cliché moment that you might think it would, I broke down and cried for some time. I saw my tears’ coming down through my cheeks was an experience I had seen before. There's a more sadness feeling to see yourself crying. It felt like the inner me was asking “am I easy to ignore?” to myself. I don’t know how exactly and why, but deep down inside I am guessing that the inner me was disappointed with myself. In some angles, the inner me questions reasons of why I was hurting myself so. Love is really selfless, and in some point I might have destroyed something inside. And the ego raised and screamed of the whys I could be so dependant to someone else.

Love is to understand, with knowing that there are no definite answers for any questions. And that capability of understanding may have hurt myself. It is inevitable I guess. When you love someone, you are cutting yourself down. And it hurts. No matter how positive you try to look at it. It really hurts.

© frettyaulia, 22.02.2008