I miss

Yesterday, as I was doing my homework for my Italian class, a friend of mine linked me of a blog she used to share with his then boyfriend. There was one entry that in particular, resembles how I feel these couple of weeks. It is written there;

I want that feeling again...
Hugging you again after some weeks that felt like months...
I want that feeling again.
Touching your body, kissing your lips, shoving my hands under your shirt, a bit shy at first, then excited, more passionate...
I want that feeling again.
Sleeping in your bed for the first time, hearing you whisper the magic words "I love you".
I want that feeling again...
Looking out from your balcony, standing in the hot sun, feeling in peace, as if I just woke up from a bad dream.
I want that feeling again...
Sitting next to you, holding your hand, kissing you from time to time.
I want that feeling again...

When I read this I felt like I was not feeling a little well. Maybe the weather, maybe the mood, maybe the feelings that have been building up inside. I have been trying to ease all of them down, and I succeeded on some of them, yet there are some things that still hanging inside my head. I know, it could have been just my mind. Everyone knows just how crazy I could be, torturing myself with silly thoughts and out-of-the-universe questions. But lately I feel so alone. Up since my birthday and until now. I just feel like I am not wanted the way I want. Or needed the way I need. It is not about my self-confidence issue. I just feel a little outcast and not desire as much as I need to be desired. I am not suggesting that I am questioning him and his everything to me, I could feel there is a distance. Maybe because of he's being busy, or stressed out, or me being too sensitive, I really don't know. I just know that I feel this. Like sitting in unknown party where I don't know anyone in the room. This could have been just my imagination, but I just need to let these emotions out, Even if it is just in writing. And even if no one’s reading. Ah, romance, I need them. And passion, where did it hide?

I miss him, and the way he would whisper those three little words into my ears. I miss the way he would ease me in one single moment. I miss the way he would tease me and make me laugh over nothing. I miss the way he would hold me so tight. I miss the way he would gaze to my little fingers and touch them gently. I miss the way he would go to work in such a spirit that it would make me feel so inspired. I miss the way we would stay in silence in the coffee shop. I miss the way he would take just by an inch and kiss me. I miss them.

© frettyaulia, 13.02.08